Hypothetically genuine (but funny anyway)…
These are genuine clips from British Council flat
(apartment) tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their
flats.
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my
back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole
house and I just can’t take it anymore.
3. It’s the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road;
every morning at 6 a.m. His cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too
much for me.
5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and
would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of
me every night.
6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his
balls against my fence.
7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the
job and satisfy my wife.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming
away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden
path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the
kitchen
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling
plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new
drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the
children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it
is a funny colour & not fit to drink.
16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has
backfired and burnt my knob off.
17. The man next door has a large erection in the back
garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and
would like a third so please send someone round to do something about
it.
19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle
very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the
outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew
them off.